Jerrychicken - The Diary

Its Jodies birthday tomorrow, our youngest offspring is 16 years old tomorrow and thanks to some ridiculous American TV programme about the daughters of ridiculously wealthy American fathers who spend ridiculous amounts on their 16 year old daughters 16th birthday, thanks to those dolts with far more money than is sensible for their feeble willpower, reaching the age of 16 is now celebrated as some sort of a milestone, “Sweet Sixteen” they call it, I’ve heard nothing else all week.

When I was sixteen it meant that you had crossed the boundary where it was definitely illegal to buy an alcoholic drink in a pub, at sixteen it was now only slightly illegal, at seventeen it was virtually legal and the police definitely wouldn’t touch you for fear that you’d attain the actual legal age of eighteen before they got you to court, at sixteen they’d pass you over as long as they found a guilty fifteen year old in the pub to pick on, it was for this reason that I always ensured there was a fifteen year old in our drinking party.

But now, now its all different, now when you’re sixteen its “Sweet Sixteen” and something to be celebrated and more importantly something to beat your dad up with if he doesn’t get his wallet out and spend profusely on your big celebration.

Its why I’ve bought a gazebo from Argos this week, for tomorrow we are to have the first BBQ of the season.

Dead animals have been purchased, BBQ’ing for the purpose of, the flesh of four different animals will be burned to within an inch of inedibility by myself as chef, all the while putting aside the best steaks and chicken breast for myself to scoff later, I even cleaned the BBQ out last Sunday with the jetwash, well it has stood outside for five years without being cleaned now so I thought it was about time.

Only a select few are coming, it won’t be a grand affair, lots of toasted dead animal flesh, wine and beer and all snuggled inside the gazebo gathered around a gas heater, fairylights twinkling in the roof, its a familiar and comfortable format for us for we have these outside food nights all through the winter clad in fleeces and suchlike while woodburning stoves keep your face warm even if your arse is freezing to death.

And then Jodie informs me that one of the people invited is a vegetarian.

What sort of vegetarian accepts an invitation to a BBQ ?

I recall a couple of years ago at a friends BBQ when I was once again cooking and a bossy woman turned up with her own food wraped in tin foil, thrusting it at me she ordered me to grill her veggie-burger on the BBQ coals, I unwrapped it from the foil and put it on the griddle then closed the lid.

Of course I had forgotten that the BBQ lid had a shelf above the griddle which was an warming shelf where all of the previously cooked burgers and chicken joints were being stored, when we opened the lid again there was the veggie-burger swimming in gallons of animal fat, we fell about laughing and I may have even wee’d myself a little bit in doing so but the veggie-burger cleaned up a treat and the veggie-woman never knew, she even came and thanked me for cooking it very nicely afterwards.

So I’m stuck you see, I mean, what do you give a vegetarian at a BBQ ?

Well yes, vegetables obviously, heres the salad bowl weirdo, get stuck in but leave some lettuce for me to decorate the plates with, for that is what vegetables are for - decorating meat.

I have four different types of meat to burn on the BBQ, I am proud of my dead animal burning abilities, there will be plates full of burnt dead animal tomorrow night and a big bowl of vegetable matter for table decoration purposes - and someone will be eating my table decorations, I may as well have invited a horse.