The toilet attendant

Serious topic now, toilet cleaners.

That is, people who are employed to clean public toilets, specifically the Gents toilets at Southwaite Service Area (Northbound) on the M6 in Cumbria.

Specifically I mean the 8am shift of toilet cleaner at the Southwaite Service Area (Northbound) on the M6 in Cumbria.

I’ve been to the Gents toilet at 8am at Southwaite Service Area (Northbound) on the M6 in Cumbria three times in the last four weeks, and on each occasion have encountered a notice at the entrance stating “Female Cleaner in Attendance”

“Female Cleaner in Attendance” in a Gents toilet – its just wrong isn’t it ?

And there really is one, and she really doesn’t give a damn that she’s working in a Gents toilet where a regular stream (see what I did there), a regular stream of men will walk in, unzip, and stand against a wall with their willy’s exposed to the world while she busy’s herself just feet behind them with a mop.

Yes I know she’s probably Eastern European and so it shouldn’t matter, for no English lady would dream of hanging out in a Mens bog, but still, its awkward isn’t it ?

Or is it just me ?

So what happens at the Gents toilet at the Southwaite Service Area (Northbound) on the M6 in Cumbria is that the men walk in the toilets, see the sign, ignore it, unzip in readiness as they approach the line of twenty or so urinals, then notice the obvious female cleaner mopping the floor, turn on their heels and head for the cubical toilets – which causes a problem normally only seen in Womens toilets – that of the queue outside each cubical.

You see ladies, the good thing about urinals is that there is never a queue, its not very private admittedly, but thats what makes it so quick, there is no time to sit and ponder your fingernails or write on the walls, sing a song, and heaven forbid let your eyes stray anywhere except directly at the wall in front of you – no, you stand, unzip, wee, and walk – and sometimes you wash your hands afterwards, ok I always wash my hands, promise.

Thats why men can visit a toilet and be back out within 30 seconds, something that no woman has ever achieved in the history of the world.

But at the Southwaite Service Area (Northbound) on the M6 in Cumbria at 8am on a Wednesday morning they have a female toilet cleaner, causing a distinct lack of activity at the urinals and queues at the Gents cubicles – you have been warned.

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So there’s this old bloke who works as a cleaner in a Gents toilet, he’s worked there for forty years or more and one day an old friend walks in, they recognise each other and get to reminiscing…

“So hows life Fred ?”
“Not like it used to be Frank, I don’t enjoy this job one bit nowadays”
“How do you mean ?”
“Well, its like this see, you get drunks in here all the time, they come in here, they piss all over the floor, they puke up all over the walls, they fall down and lie in their own piss and puke and they expect me to pick them up, clean them up and send them on their way, that never used to happen in here”

“Oh dear, I see what you mean…”
“And then there’s the kids, they come in here, they mess about in the sinks, block the plugholes, leave the water running, flood the place out, they graffiti all over the walls, and I have to clean it all up after them, it never used to be like that in here”

“Oh dear, I see what you mean…”
“And then theres the drug addicts, they come in here, they sit in the cubicles for hours on end injecting themselves, they get blood all over the walls, they leave their needles all over the floors, some of them overdose in there and I have to call for an ambulance and then clean up after them, I could get hepatitis or anything from them needles, that never used to happen in here…”

“Oh dear, I see what you mean…”
“Aye Frank, you know when someone comes in here for a good shit its like a breath of fresh air to me”