Remember Dennis ?
Dennis the tourettes service engineer that worked for us for several years ?
Actually, maybe you don’t, I’ve just checked, all of the Dennis the tourettes service engineer who worked for us stuff was on the old blog, maybe I’ll have to ressurect him this week, we’ll have a Dennis the tourettes service engineer week, I’ve got enough Dennis the tourettes service engineer stories to fill a month, easily.
So my dad and Michael employed Dennis the tourettes service engineer because allegedly he was their best service engineer when they had all worked for a different company, and when I joined the company I inherited Dennis the tourettes service engineer and my dad retired and Michael died and I was left with Dennis the tourettes service engineer.
Where to start with Dennis the tourettes service engineer ?
We’ll randomly start with religion.
Apart from having tourettes, Dennis was gullible, I’m not sure that being gullible is a by-product of tourettes, I suppose if you think about it, it could be, I mean, you’d have to be pretty gullible to shout out “FUCK!” at a person across the street and not believe that its not an arrestable offence…
Still, Dennis was a very gullible sort of person, on one of my trips to Barbados I told him that I was going on a bus rather than flying, and he believed me, and when I told him it would take eight hours to get there he still thought I was going on a bus, truth is that Dennis had been a child of the 1930s and a child of the 1930s who had tourettes was locked away in a home for most of his childhood and treated as a simpleton – geography was just one of the things that Dennis had missed out on.
Stop feeling sorry for him, we’re here to take the piss.
So he came into the office one day when Michael and myself were busy working away and he asked if he could use the photocopier and Michael waved him in its general direction.
We could hear him running lots of copies of something off, when Dennis was in the vicinity you couldn’t help but hear him as he shouted, cursed and stuttered (or to give it Michaels term, “gunked”) at the photocopier, and then he bade us goodbye, got in his car and headed off back to Hull from whence he hailed.
A little later Michael went to the photocopier, lifted the lid up and found the original copy of what Dennis had been photocopying.
He stood and read it for a short while and with a “What the fook…” passed it to me.
I sat and read it, I asked Michael if he could make head nor tail of it, he didn’t understand it either.
It was a sheet of instructions on how to enter the religious cult known as “Subu”.
The disclaimer at this point is that it may or may not have been called “Subu”, I think it was, I’ve Wiki’d “Subu” and the name seems to crop up in many middle eastern religious ceremonies, but we got the impression that it was a cult all on its own, probably just in Hull, its a strange place is Hull, its why Dennis lived there.
The gist of this leaflet was that in order to be introduced to the Subu cult you had to have some sort of out of body experience, well that counted Dennis in for starters, his whole life was out of body, he lived in a parallel universe to the rest of us.
Not only did you have to have this out of body experience but you then had to be “opened up” by one of their approved “open upper’s”, to be “opened up” to the cult you had to find someone who had previously been “opened up” and get him or her to “open up” you to the wonders of the Subu.
Confused ?
Yes we were, very.
It was an A4 sheet of bullshit.
And we laughed, and laughed.
Then when we got to the last paragraph we stopped laughing, for the last paragraph declared that after being “opened up” the “opened” person was duty bound to donate 10% of his or her weekly income to the cult in order to remain “opened”.
Michael rang Dennis as soon as he got home and informed him that as from next week we were cutting his wage by 10% due to the fact that he obviously didn’t need all the money that we paid him.
Strangely Dennis didn’t argue, well that is, he said “FUCK!” a lot of times, but that was his tourettes, I think.
