So here it is, my submission to ITV for the next production franchise of ”I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”, this time with added realism.
1. Ten Celebrities are loaded onto a light aircraft and flown across a tropical wilderness, at a random location and purely at the discretion of the pilot he leaps from the aircraft and parachutes to safety where he is picked up by a rescue helicopter and taken home.
2. The ten celebrities include one who was given some rudimentary “landing an aircraft in a jungle” lessons before they boarded, said instructions being explained away as “possibly being used later in a bush-tucker trial”, said celebrity is now nominated to land the aircraft in the jungle as per his/her training into a location of their choice.
3. After the crash landing the surviving celebrities are told via a recorded announcement that the TV programming now begins, that it has all been specially staged for them and that the dead celebrities scattered in the jungle around them after the crash are in fact just actors and will be removed shortly, in the meantime any flesh on the bodies that the survivors feel may be of use in the coming days is free to use.
4. The surviving celebrities spend an undetermined length of time surviving in the jungle by any means at their disposal, all the while being filmed by secret cameras but without the aid of a hotel hidden in the jungle just around the corner and without the interference of a couple of annoying boy-presenters who stroll from their five star hotel rooms every morning to pass on messages.
5. The surviving celebrities spend their time discovering which animals and plants are good to eat in the jungle and which ones are deadly poisonous, they have no prior knowledge of these facts and have to learn by experience, some celebrities may die during this phase of the programme and their flesh is also available for consumption at the discretion of the remaining celebs.
6. Provided that the rescue helicopters can trace the aircraft rescue beacon before the batteries fail the celebrities will be airlifted out of the jungle at a date in the future to be determined by advertising and phone-in revenue, said survivors will be whisked away to a TV studio for a live de-briefing on prime-time TV sponsored by a carpet retail giant or a frozen food manufacturer, bidding for the rights are still in progress.
7. Shortly before the end of the live de-briefing programme the remaining surviving celebrities are told that none of it was faked, the ones who died were not actors, they really were eating human flesh and not chicken strips, and more importantly, none of it was filmed and contrary to their beliefs they have not been shown live on prime time TV every night for the past six weeks, indeed most of their fans have been told that they are dead by News at Ten.
8. We cut away to see the studio audience in tears of laughter and close with a long “Wah-wah- waaaa-aaah” trumpet solo, cut to a message from our sponsor…
I think I’ve cracked it with this one.
Where do I sign up?
I half watched it for the first time last night (I was at work, it was on the TV, I had no choice).
It was bloody dreadful.
Have you seen Tropic Thunder? You essentially just described the film–which is hillarious, by the way.
I can’t see how they can wring another series out of the format without killing at least one of the contestants
I don’t watch reality TV, but I would definitely tune if for this one.