Grumpy Old Men – Football Shirts

Way back in the 1960s the clothing industry invented a fantastic new man-made fibre called bri-nylon, it took a few years before we realised but eventually we all came to learn that making clothing out of bri-nylon was probably the worst idea that the bri-nylon factory ever had – almost as bad as the string factory when it thought that making underpants and vests out of string would be a good idea too.

Bri-nylon was advertised as being incredibly quick to dry, ok that could be a virtue, but it was incredibly quick to dry in the same way that if you left a sheet of perspex out in the rain then it too would be incredibly quick to dry for the simple reason that plastic derived materials are generally waterproof because the water runs straight off them.

Apply that theory to bri-nylon clothing and you find that you can never wash the stench of sweat out of your bri-nylon shirt because it comes out of the wash as dry as when you put it in – and boy did you sweat when you wore bri-nylon, have a go at wearing a black plastic bin liner for fun on a hot day and see what I mean, us kids used to run off to school clad in bri-nylon on hot summer days, our mothers would be locked up these days for such dereliction of motherly duties.

What has this to do with football shirts ?

Take a look at that replica football shirt in your wardrobe, yes , the one you wear when you do the weekly shop at Asda, the one that makes your gut look four times bigger than it really is because it was made skin-tight for someone who would loosely fall under the remit of “athlete” rather than “fat bas’tad” – take a look at it, a close look, have a look at the label.

Its not a natural material like cotton or wool is it ?

No it isn’t, it will have some clever marketing name on the label to try and convince you that your £45 was not wasted on some cheap plastic derived material that cost the manufacturer a few pence per shirt, no they will tell you that your £45 “Official” replica shirt has some mythical quality where it is able to wick away moisture, maybe even not cause you to sweat in the first place, they will go to lengths to tell you how scientific testing on your £45 has resulted in a state of the art product that is absolute essential wear for athletes such as you, even for fat bas’tad athletes such as you, even when your state of the art scientifically tested material official replica shirt will go through its whole life without even seeing its wearer break into a trot let alone do anything vaguely athletic, the only huffing, puffing and sweating you are going to do in your scientific shirt is when the wife makes you waddle back up the houseware aisle to exchange that bottle of  Zif because the one you chose didn’t have the special offer label on it.

What your football shirt manufacturer won’t tell you is that cotton can wick away sweat too, so can wool, but they won’t make your replica football shirt out of cotton or wool because its more expensive, so they use the cheapest fabric they can lay their hands on and its a plastic derived man-made material just like bri-nylon used to be, and just like bri-nylon it makes you sweat like a pig standing outside a butchers shop.

They also don’t tell you that those motifs that decorate your replica football shirt just like the real ones that your football heroes wear, they are plastic too, and they are stuck onto your plastic shirt with heat, you stood and watched them do it in the shop when you bought your replica shirt didn’t you – you told them what number and name you wanted putting on the back so that the rest of the world would know that you want your hard earned £45 to contribute to your hero’s £45,000 wage packet this week.

Those motifs, those letters and numbers that were stuck on with heat, they come off with heat too, so when your wife puts it in the washing machine with a pair of skid-marked undies that you thought she’d never notice if you wrapped them up inside your shirt and pushed them to the bottom of the laundry basket – when she turns the dial on the washing machine to “boil wash” to get rid of those skiddies she’ll also be getting rid of those motifs, letters and numbers that you paid an extra £2.50 per letter for (like the gullible idiot that you are).

But worse than all that, worse than you gullible idiots wearing your football replica shirts to do the weekly shop in Asda – you take them on your fookin holidays too and you promenade up and down the front in Benidorm wearing the full football kit, badly washed and now stretched replica shirt, replica football shorts with the net liner that hangs out of one leg after you’ve been in the sea, and socks, socks that you pull up to your knees like you’re some freaky Australian postman on his holidays – let me tell you now, wearing plastic clothing on the front in Benidorm makes you look like a right tosser, and nodding to complete strangers on the other side of the road because they are dressed in the same replica kit as you only confirms that the industry that flogs you this tat has huge numbers of you tossers in their back pockets.

And finally…

A BBC investigation (that wasn’t completely unbiased) found that on the street markets in Thailand (where most of the official outlets have your replica tat manufactured) a replica football shirt, all badged up and looking exactly like the one that you’d buy in your club shop for £45, can be had for as little as £2.

Thats the true value of your replica plastic derived football shirt, £2.

Maybe you could go ask  Dave Whelan’s opinion…

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4 thoughts on “Grumpy Old Men – Football Shirts

  1. I remember being a schoolboy in a pair of nylon trousers and my poor itching sweating legs on clammy days. Scarred for life I am.

    Not all replica shirts are as bad as that these days. In fact I have a couple that I wear purely for their comfort and lack of any need of ironing. (Does this exclude me from the blanket “tosser” tag?)

  2. Hear, hear.

    Any one over the age of 12 wearing a football shirt should be arrested.

    I have just come back from a holiday where one cretin wore a different Man U shirt every day and changed into another for dinner.

  3. I’ve seen the same morons wearing football shirts and trackie bottoms for funerals.

    Its a mental illness.

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