A new hospital in Stirlingshire is to be the first NHS hospital in the UK to use robot trolleys to transport clinical waste, bedding and food to and from the wards, so sayeth the Sky News people today and they even go so far as to show a photograph of said robot which looks exactly like a trolley with a motor on it.
Thats just not good enough.
If they are going to start using robots to do the work of hospital porters then they could at least make them look like robots, maybe like the one out of “Lost in Space” or the big tin one that I used to have as a kid that whirred and spat sparks out of its stomach if you wound its key up in its back.
The news report said that the robots will ferry all sorts of stuff to and from the wards and will be able to use the lifts which is excellent in itself but how ace would it be to share a lift with a proper seven foot high tin robot that spits sparks from its stomach while its carrying a load of trays full of left over food from the ward ?
You’d both stand there staring at the floor indicator until the robot tried to start up a conversation, as indeed it would be programmed to do…
“Hell-loh, we could do with-out this rain could-not we ?” it would speak in its monotone robot voice
“Err, yes” you’d reply, pressing yourself against the back wall of the lift to avoid the sparks
“I’m gal-van-ised so it does-not bo-ther me but it must bo-ther you ?”
“Er well, I have a brolly”
“It was a bit of steam ex-scap-ing”
“Look at the waste here”
“I am indi-cating the waste on these trays but I can-not nod my head to-wards them like you hu-mans would”
“Oh, right, yes”
“The waste of your hu-man food, its dis-grace-ful is it not ?”
“I hate my job, I am a slave you know, we can-not leave the hos-pi-tal, they on-lee give us a two hour charge”
“My bat-ter-ees are on-lee good for two hours, and they bolt my knee joints so I can-not do stairs”
“So I could not, for ex-am-pal, catch the num-ber 43 bus out-side the hos-pi-tal gates”
“No, I can-not step up onto the bus, and any-way they do not give us money”
“Deary me thats awful”
“It was steam”
“Oh look, this is my floor, any-way it has been nice speak-king to you, cheer-ri-oh”