Where have all the psychics gone ?

There was a time, just a few years ago, when you could not turn on your TV set of an afternoon without encountering a TV Psychic show, the likes of  John Edwards and Colin Fry seemed to be never off the TV and indeed why should they not be for if you believed every word they said then their raw material was endless, they would never run out of souls who had “crossed over” and who wanted to pass on bland meaningless messages to relations in a TV studio.

You just don’t see them on TV anymore, where have they gone, have the dead stopped communicating bland meaningless messages to loved ones, have the dead actually realised that, like John and Colin used to remind us every show, you don’t actually need a TV presenter psychic to speak to your dead relatives and exchange bland meaningless messages for you have the power to do it yourself ?

Or is there a more sinister plot behind all this for the religious lobby used to lobby TV companies hard to convince them that speaking to dead people is a sin, indeed they forced the TV companies to publish a default warning before every show that psychic reading is “for entertainment only” for as everyone knows no-one can really speak to dead people can they ?

Apart from vicars of course.

I used to enjoy watching the likes of “Crossing Over” and  “Sixth Sense”, they were a harmless half hour, the sort of TV programme where you sit and watch without really watching, the sort of TV programme where if you had a power cut and then the power came back on ten minutes later you’d not be able to remember what it was you were watching before the power went off – but with hindsight they were complete bollax weren’t they ?

I can’t imagine being a dead soul, restless in whatever medium they exist after they have died, restless because they have died without speaking to one of their relatives, have “crossed over” but have something really, really important to pass on to one of their loved ones, they wander around for ever in their medium confused and desperate to get their message back to “the other side”, there must be a way, surely ?

And then one day another lost, restless soul tells them of Colin Fry and his “Sixth Sense” TV show that is broadcast twice a week at teatime on Channel 4, Colin Fry, the only man in England who can connect the dead to their loved ones in order to pass on bland meaningless messages, a bit like a telephone switchboard operator in a small town who sits there at a board of wires, plug and sockets waiting for someone from the outside world to connect to her small town switchboard and she only controls who gets to speak to whom.

And the following Thursday teatime they get through to Colin by way of thought transfer, a gift that according to Colin we all have when we are alive but we never use it until we are dead, only Colin knows how to use it which is why he can speak to your relatives, nay its why Colin is haunted by your dead relatives all wishing to convey bland meaningless messages to you and because you can’t be arsed to listen to them then Colin has to listen on your behalf, its driving him mad all these dead people asking “Can you tell her on the third row in the yellow dress, yes the gormless looking one, tell her that she has a cat called Lucky”, and Colin will think back at the spirit and ask, “But surely she already knows that ?”

And so Colin stands in front of his invited audience of a hundred or so gullible fools and he gazes around the semi-circle of tiered seats until he alights upon a young lady in a yellow dress and asks her, “I think its you, do you have an Uncle Dave ?”

And she shakes her head and Colin insists, “You do have an Uncle Dave and he’s crossed over and wants to speak to you”, and still she shakes her head.

“My Auntie Elsie died last year” she suggests and Colin waits, he’s listening to something that no-one else can hear, this is the bit where he talks to the dead and no-one else can hear for only Colin has the knack,

“Are you sure ?” he asks the voice that no-one else can hear, then he turns to the young lady in the yellow dress, “Your Uncle Dave says that his weekend name was Elsie”

“I always wondered about that moustache” says the young lady in the yellow dress

“Your Uncle Dave says that he has an important message for you” and the whole audience lean forward in their seats, this is the pivotal part of the whole show, the important message, there will surely be tears after this…

“He says,” and Colin pauses again all the more to listen to this important message properly, “he says that you have a cat called Lucky”

“Yes I do” says the young lady, all excited now, eager to learn of where her Uncle Dave left the money

“He’s fading now” says Colin, “he just wanted to verify that with you, you have a cat named Lucky, he’s fading now, he sends his love my dear…”

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