No, not the Alfred Hitchcock 1960 classic, the barely heard of remake by Gus Van Sant (who ???) from 1998.
Let me explain…
My youngest daughter is an avid DVD watcher, I don’t know where she gets them from, I naively assume that she swaps DVD’s among her group of friends, that among her group of friends they have a healthy interest in DVD’s and have an exchange programme going that must surely rival Blockbuster for its every evening that she arrives in the house with yet another film on DVD to watch.
Which would be fine if they were the sort of films that most of the general public wanted to watch but in truth they are the sort of films most easily summarised as “teenage scary/slasher/horror/gorefest”, either that or yet another chick-flick starring Hugh Grant – so not to my taste then, thats a given isn’t it ?
So I sat on the settee last night munching on my plate full of leaves and celery (yes, the wife thinks I should eat more salad in the ignorant belief that I may lose some weight by doing so, such a shame she hasn’t found the stash of chocolate biscuits yet) and a familiar tune comes from the TV set, familiar in that way that says “I should know this programme/film but I can’t put my finger on it yet” and then the title flashes on the screen and its “Psycho”.
How excellent I think, “Have you put this on?” I ask the youngest of my offspring and she confirms that indeed she has, its the latest of the DVD’s that have arrived in our house by some form of teleporting and I settle down to at last watch watch a film that we both can share.
But this one is a bit different, it sounds like Psycho, its got the same intro music as Psycho, the opening scene is the same as Psycho, the camera angles are the same as Psycho – but its not Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho.
Its a re-make.
But its not even a re-make, its a “Hey guys I’ve found Hitchcocks directors notes for every single scene in the film, how about we con a bank into giving us lots of spondulacks and we’ll just follow these notes and have a summer-long piss-up with the money ?”
For thats what it is, if you have ever seen the original Hitchcock “Psycho”, and lets be honest who hasn’t, then you have no need to watch the 1998 re-make, in fact it will just annoy you if you do for after ten minutes you will realise that you’ve just wasted the last ten minutes because you’ve seen every one of those ten minutes before done one hundred times better by Hitchcock.
I can’t imagine what Gus Van Sant said to the films underwriters to convince them to back this one…
“Give me lots of money please, I’m making a re-make of Psycho”
“Oh right, the Hitchcock classic ?”
“Yeah thats the baby, come on sign the cheque”
“But will it sell ?”
“Course it’ll sell”
“Don’t ask me, I’m just the Director, make the cheque out in my wife’s name please”
“But are you setting it in modern times rather than the 1960s ?”
“Er, no, probably not”
“Is there a different twist to it, a different ending ?”
“Er, no, we’ve got the original script and thats what we’re doing”
“So, different actors though ?”
“Oh yeah, different actors…”
“No-one you’ve heard of, we got them all from a look-a-like agency”
“Yeah, they all look-a-like the people who were in the Hitchcock version, even the extras, good eh ?”
“So won’t people think they’re just watching the Hitchcock original then”
“Errr, maybe, can we have some of the money in cash, just to tide me over ?”
Fortunately I have made my youngest watch the original Hitchcock version many years ago, I think she was about three when she first saw it – What ??? – and so after the blond bint had been slashed to her doom in the shower we switched it off, “load of crap” was her summary, and so I print it here as our considered critical review of this film – we’ve watched it so you don’t have to.
Jodie of Jerrychicken fame : “Load of crap”
Gary of Jerrychicken fame : “I agree”