Dear Lord Seb Coe…

So I’m looking through an old sketchbook that I took to Menorca in 2006 and I made some notes in there about the European Athletics Championships which were receiving saturation coverage on Spanish TV at the time, and I have to say, some of my ideas were good, I may suggest them to the London Olympic organising committee, in fact I’ll write to Lord Seb Coe, probably starting with “Dear Lord Seb Coe, I used to be a member of one of your gyms and so feel qualified to comment as follows…”

The Javelin
Its plainly unfair to the javelin thrower who has to go first as all the ones who follow then know what they have to beat. Instead I suggest that the javelin event is performed by all of the contestants lining up at one end of the stadium with spears at the ready and at the bang of a starting gun they make their throw, all at the same time.

This would have a twofold effect, not only would it totally even up the competition but would also provide a thrilling spectacle for stadium and TV viewers alike, and people like Ridley Scott could use footage of the flying javelins in their next blockbuster film Gladiator II, The Spear Thrower, or similar.

Should there be an awful lot of javelin competitors then they could line up along the longest length of the stadium and throw across the width of it scoring extra points if they manage to impale spectators on the other side, after all, thats how the sport started.

800 metres
Its not really that impressive to run the 800 metres in just under two minutes when everyone knows that the 100 metres is done and dusted in nine or so seconds, it doesn’t tax the brain too much to work out that the 800 metres should be do-able in 70 or 80 seconds and not the 120 that they currently take. I mean, whats going on here, we’re rewarding mediocrity and lazyness while the 100 metre runners are doing all the hard work.

Drug enhancements
Forget the drug testing for it inhibits sport, instead the performance enhancing drug companies should be invited to provide freely any samples of substances that they consider beneficial to the human sporting development, we should embrace this technology fully and indeed can spot major sponsorship investment opportunities, no need to keep doing the rounds of boring accountancy and insurance firms to sponsor events when the drug companies will be falling over each other to throw money into the pot (pot, see what I did there).

I look forward to the day when the 100 metres is run in a tad over four seconds only for the winner’s heart to explode as he crosses the line, what fun, “What larks Pip” ( ©Charles Dickens ).

20km Walking Race
Ban this event immediately, indeed I am surprised that none of the competitors have yet taken the sports authorities to the European Court of Human Rights – it cannot be healthy to feed competitors on a diet of prunes and curry for four days before an event and prohibit access to toilet facilities until they have completed the race.

Yes its funny to watch them speed through the streets trying to hold one in but like Frankie Boyle we have to draw the line somewhere and humour on the back of a debilitating and rampant need to shit is well over that line.




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