This is starting to be a habit, its almost like Easter coming around every year at a slightly different time – two years ago after the Beijing Olympics (in which Gt Britain had handsomely whooped Australia’s sullen arse in the medals table) I wrote a post called “How to Piss Off an Australian” which got the most hits of any of my posts on Blogspot that year, most of them from Australia where they were obviously reading the inspirational tome just as they were inserting a razor blade deep into their wrists.
Almost exactly a year ago I copied and updated the same post into this blog, the occasion then being the fact that we had royally spanked their voluminous arses once again but in the Ashes Test Match cricket series this time, an absolute disaster for Australians, a nation brought up on the mantra that “Sport Matters”, it doesn’t, but they refuse to believe it when we tell them so.
In short, nothing pisses off an Australian more than being bettered in the sporting arena by a British team.
And nothing pisses off an Australian more than the realisation that actually, we don’t even care – to the British sport is just a past-time, a game, something to do in your spare time, bottom line – its not important.
So the fact that the England cricket team won the fourth test match against the Australian team yesterday and in doing so retained the Ashes trophy will raise a few wry smiles here, and then we get on with more important things, its just a game – 12000 miles away Australians will be throwing themselves on their sacrificial and raging bush fires such is the shame.
In England cricket is a sport played by young boys on street corners and portly old men at shabby old recreation grounds, its hardly a professional sport at all, turn up to any of the so-called “professional” county teams advertised games and you’ll be amongst the several others who have done so, there will be more hot dog sellers in the ground than spectators and occasionally there will be more umpires in the ground than spectators – and from this base of excellence we pick a national team that can easily beat Australia at cricket without even needing all of the allocated games in which to do so.
Its a bad time to be an Australian right now, the national shame is palpable, they are inferior in many ways to their traditional homeland, so inferior that they voted to retain our Queen as their “borrowed Queen” because they couldn’t find anyone classy enough to replace her and whilst I hate to be the one to rub salt into the wounds its only correct that we should remind ourselves of several reasons why we keep trying to offer their country back to them, and they keep refusing it, preferring to hang onto our coat-tails so reverently…
1. Its too hot – Even Australians are scared of the sun there, the sun in Australia gives you skin cancer whereas the sun in Britain just peeps out from behind a cloud once every few weeks to say hello and then scurry away again. In Australia you’ll get skin cancer within weeks if you don’t use a high SPF and re-apply every ten minutes, here in Britain the sun wouldn’t burn you if you stood ten feet away from it – we like our sun here, we’re not afraid of it like Aussies are.
2. Its all burned – At the same time that their sun is burning all of them to death its also burning their landscape all to death, Australia is 98% desert (or some other similar statistic that I can’t be arsed looking up) and all they can grow is thorn trees and other brown scorched plants. Our landscape is green and verdant, fragrant and jolly and nice, we like our green-ness, its the one thing that everyone looks at out of the airplane window when flying back from their holidays in Spain (another burned country), they all point and say “look at how green our country is…” but with more pride.
3. They have dangerous wildlife – I kid you not, there is a spider in Australia that hides underneath your bog seat and bites your arse while you’re having a morning shite reading the morning paper, said bite being of sufficient voracity to kill you, I kid you not. They also have a gorgeous teddy bear that lives up trees, they made a kids TV show all about it, The Tingha and Tucka Club, all cute they were – but be warned , this little bad tempered bastard will have several of your fingers off the minute that you reach out to stroke it as several hundred people find out every year – spiders that bite your arse and teddy bears that de-finger you, what sort of vicious society is this ?
4. Still don’t believe me about the wildlife ? They managed to kill off one of their only successful TV presenters a couple of years ago with a stingray – a fookin stingray, we feed stingrays with bits of bread at “Oceanworld” here in England, stingrays are gentle creatures with smiley mouths who drift by with laconic wafts of their underwater wings without a care in the world, introduce a whining Australian accent to one and the bastard will kill you.
5. They have crap beer – I do not intend to dwell on this for very long except to say the words, Fosters and Castlemaine XXXX , there, we’ve finished this discussion.
6. They have crap TV Shows – I do not intend to dwell on this subject for very long either except to say the words Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, Neighbours, and The Young Doctors, there is no counter argument.
7. Paul Hogan is not funny – hereby ends the list of famous Australian comedians.
8. Rolf Harris is long overdue for a return but like an old library book we’re ashamed to bring him back, so we’ll keep him for now – when he dies you’re having him back, OK ?
And of course…
9. Australians are rubbish at sport
But its ok, its only a game…