The Big Society – an explanation

So even at just nine months into his Premiership our Glorious Leader (peace be with him) is fending off attacks from all sides, the sort of attacks that are usually reserved for a Prime Minister who’s government have served three full terms, not nine months, mind, he does have the sort of face that looks like you’d never tire of slapping it.

Seriously, many of the countries media outlets actually supported David Cameron before the election, mainly those owned by Rupert Murdoch, but even they, nine short months later, are now having a daily pop at the man, the poor sod has served the shortest honeymoon period of any Prime Minister, sacking almost every civil servant on your first day in office wasn’t exactly a good place to start though, “What do you mean it wasn’t in the manifesto, I’m sure it was…”

And so yesterday David Cameron felt the need to stand up and defend his “The Big Society” idea, its his idea, one of the things that we actually can remember him talking about during his election campaign, “We’re all going to have a Big Society” he said and even though he didn’t tell us what The Big Society was we all thought that it sounded OK and some people even voted for it without knowing what it was, and the rest of us got stuck with it.

Recently its become clear that now we don’t employ any civil servants any more, or public workers of any sort, The Big Society actually means that we, the general public, should all feel ashamed of ourselves at sitting around on our arses all day watching TV, as we do, and instead should volunteer our services free of charge to do those jobs that are no longer financed by Central Government like they were until nine months ago.

Its a marvellous plan and frankly I don’t know why no-one ever thought of it ages ago, for why pay people to do social work when you can sack them all, save a shit load of money and shame the population into thinking that its their duty to do the work free of charge instead.

So suitably ashamed of myself I have been considering what it is I can do with my skill sets to further the good cause of this country, “Think not what my country can do for me but what I can do for my country” somebody said that once, just before somebody else put a bullet through his brain with a gun that he’d made for himself, see, that’s The Big Society in action, don’t wait for the Government to give you a gun, go make one at no cost to the country, apart from a political leader, or two, maybe.

A zoo, I’d like to run a zoo please Mr Cameron, we haven’t got a zoo in Leeds but if you give me some land and a few quid to fence it in I could open up Leeds’ first zoo, lions, tigers, kangaroos that sort of thing, some of those funny meerkats with eastern european accents, no snakes and no stingrays (did you see what those bastards did to Steve Irwin ?), elephants and camels for riding on and tame chimpanzees for manning the ice cream stalls in the summer, black bears could dance in tutu’s to entertain the crowds, no spiders, not even wild ones that creep in uninvited, not even tame spiders unless they are willing to spin doilies and antimacassars’ in intricate patterns for the cafe tables, they would have to be big spiders to do that of course but they would be tame ones and would sing weavers songs while they worked to ease the irrational fears that folk have of them.

My zoo would have seals a-plenty in their own glass walled pool for they are funny, as would the penguins for they too are funny when they walk and to keep them walking around all day we’d heat the rocks that they stand on so that they would burn their feet if they stood in one place for too long, and I’d employ legions of carefree zoo keepers dressed in their uniforms as casually as Johnny Morris did, cap tilted jauntily to one side, and all my zoo keepers would be able to tell you what the animals were saying to each other just like Johnny Morris did on Zoo Time, they’d give each of the animals in their care a different accent and each would be amusing in their own alluring way,

Fook me but my zoo is going to be ace, far better than a zoo run by civil servants, give me some The Big Society money David and I’ll get it started tout-suite, just a small bit of the NHS budget will do for starters, yes ok, so some kids might die of horrible preventable diseases but if you bring them to my zoo in wheelchairs I’ll show them some funny animals before they cark it.

4 thoughts on “The Big Society – an explanation

  1. Couldn’t agree more, and good luck with your funding application.

    For my contribution, I fancy addressing the shortfall in public defence spending through the Big Society initiative of declaring my house to be a warship. I will, of course, become an Admiral but, with great benefit to the taxpayer, will only draw half the going salary.

    You may be unaware that your Leeds Modern School music teacher, Rhys Webber, of whom you write so fondly, served in the Navy during the War. He would tell a bizarre story of his navigational training. He was ordered to report to a golf course in Scotland. When he got there he was greeted by the sight of numerous officer cadets attempting to preserve their dignity while strenuously pedalling ice-cream vending tricycles from green to green. Each trike had been designated a ship of the line and a large compass installed in the ice-cream box between the two front wheels.

  2. Thats a much better idea than my zoo however you won’t have the ice cream selling monkeys or spiders weaving napkins like I will, and my zoo will be self financing from hiring out the meercats to childrens parties and advertising campaigns.

    And I never knew that about Webber, I never saw any of those masters as real people nor ever imagined them to have a real life outside of school, he could certainly play the piano himself but as for teaching me to play any musical instrument, he failed miserably.

  3. My Big Society gesture would be to run a care home for politicians. And maybe a bank to help bankrupt graduates still paying off debts after 20 years

    Oh – and forgive me for being a bit whacky – how about running a decent pension scheme for the two thirds of the population who will no longer have one because companies are too scared to run them any more.

    Big Society – my ar…

  4. The Tory party are lifes naughty step, we have to go sit on it for a while every couple of decades – it’ll all be over soon.

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