The Royal Order of Nutters

There are nutters everywhere.

Its probably not polite to mention them, and certainly not politically correct (whatever that means), but its true none the less, there are nutters everywhere, on every street, often sleeping on the street.

We visited, well, passed by anyway, a well known nutter who lives on the Leeds/Liverpool Canal the other day, me and Smithy on our bikes riding the towpath, “There’s a nutter lives up here in a boat” Smithy pointed out and as we rode past we couldn’t help but notice that the nutter now lives IN the Leeds/Liverpool Canal as his houseboat has sunk but in typical nutter style it actually looks like he really does still live there, the boat is covered with junk for in true nutter style this nutter won’t throw anything away and indeed spends all of his days collecting other peoples rubbish to take back to his houseboat, tying it on with bits of string so that you can’t actually see the original boat shape at all – its probably why it sunk.

The Royal Wedding tomorrow attracts its own brand of nutter of course and John Loughrey is a fine example of the genre, in fact John Loughrey is so fine an example of the sort of nutter who stalks the Royals that if I were a Royal I’d exercise my prerogative to have him hauled off to the Tower of London and beheaded on the lawns, you’d have to be seriously worried if a nutter turned up outside your house, sat on the pavement with a flask of tea and wrote your name on his face with a biro pen, really, I mean thats the sort of time that you draw the curtains and take the family over the fence at the bottom of the back garden into the street behind and catch a bus to your relatives who live in the next county, or the county after that.

He has a history though does John Loughrey, for John Loughrey it was who was the only person to have sat through every day of the six month long Diana, Princess of Hearts, patron saint of Britax Seat Belts, official inquest sitting at the back of the court every day for six months with “Diana” and “Dodi” written in biro on his cheeks having given up his job and his home to be there,  “It wouldn’t surprise me if there wasn’t a portrait of me hanging in Kensington Palace in 100 years time” said John when interviewed, only in your head John.

Indeed that six month long inquest (how long does it take your average drunk-driver inquest, ten minutes ?) attracted more than its fair share of nutters, there was John Howsam for instance “I did like the princess, but not obsessively” he said, no not really obsessive but just obsessive enough to give up your job and go to the inquest most days with a bag of sandwiches and a seven foot high placard that read “They Were Assassinated” in the belief that you were performing a vital public service, he’d have served far more of a vital public service to have written “Clunk-Click Every Trip” on his seven foot high placard.

And so today and especially tomorrow we will see them in their dozens, if not hundreds, for among the hundreds of thousands of well-wishers who line the London Royal Wedding Route will be the genuine nutters, you’ll spot them on TV a mile off, they will have “William” and “Kate” written in biro on each cheek and will look like they have spent the last seven days sleeping on the pavement for indeed thats exactly what they have been doing these last seven days, picking their spot and then sleeping on the pavement only to awaken on the actual morning of the wedding to find that the police have placed the barriers ten foot further away than what they’d imagined and they are now sitting on the pavement eight rows back behind taller people who are wearing big hats.

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2 thoughts on “The Royal Order of Nutters

  1. There are many thousands of these sad mofos lining the streets of London town. Sad feckers.

    I know the canal residing gentleman of whom you write. He’s been there a few years and before that used to spend his summer months on the towpath side and his winters a little towards Rodley moored in the woods. He usually has bundles of clothes roped to his vessel (atop the other detritus) but I’ve only ever seen him wearing the one ensemble come rain or shine for the last 5 years.

    Canals attract such folk. There’s one guy who sleeps rough by the canal and will always smile at passers by and ask them the time as if he has some pressing appointment he doesn’t want to miss.

    Last autumn there were half a dozen barges full of new age hippy types moored in the woods near Calverley for an all night halloween festival. They were still going strong when I ran past at 8am.

  2. Thats where we found his boat last week, on the Rodley side, sunk in about four foot of water and believe it or not when we came back later there were some looters over there helping themselves to some of the rubbish – I mean, it was other peoples rubbish first, then the nutters rubbish, and now other people were taking it to use as their rubbish – it was just rubbish that he’d picked up from the canal and people were stealing it.

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