The Countdown Begins…

The time is swiftly approaching when I shall abandon this blog for a period not exceeding 15 days in order to partake of a thing that other people are calling “my holiday”, I know not what they speak of for the last time I took one of these “holidays” was, well, a long time ago, probably before the war, the Crimean War.

On Monday 29th a Thomson Holiday jet will (hopefully) whisk myself and the woman who is legally entitled to open my wallet at a time and in places to be decided by her alone, away to Corfu, a small Greek island in Greece that has once before been host to my holiday merryment albeit an awful long time ago, so long ago that I will probably have to seek out the oldest man on the island in order for him to remember me, “Ah yes” he will say in a faltering voice choked with emotion, “you were the ones who arrived on the blazing airplane” for that is exactly what happened and that story will be retold on the morning of our departure from these shores, just for good luck.

This will be the first of these “holidays” that we have taken without the encumbrance of children for our children are not children anymore and have already taken several of these “holidays” without us, we are turning the tables on them now, leaving them behind with dire threats of what will happen to them if they hold lavish parties in our absence or forget to feed the dog, our spies in the street have been alerted and so will we on our holiday island if so much as one fleeting glimpse of the RSPCA van is seen in the street.

Which brings me to the current topic of conflict in the household – to take or not to take a mobile phone ?

I am firmly of the opinion that I will not be taking a mobile phone for nothing is quite so sad a sight on holiday as the person sat on a sun bed on the beach reading his work emails, and then responding to them, my work Blackberry will be left in a drawer at home with the battery removed.

However I have another Blackberry, yes I am a Two Blackberry Man, purely by accident of a daughter who persuaded me to sign up for a Blackberry for her on a two year contract only for her to then sign a contract for a different phone in her own name and leave me with the Blackberry contract – yes new fathers, this is what awaits you, this is what fathers do for their daughters, for no thanks.

So do I take my own Blackberry on “holiday” with me, and for what reason ?

My wife, the one who is legally entitled to call my salary her own, insists that we take my Blackberry with us on the pretext of “emergency use” and if she says that then it will be so for I do not argue, however its very likely that it will spend the whole 15 days in the bottom of my suitcase, switched off with the battery removed, so don’t try and ring me, not that anyone would for no-one knows the number, its the most pointless phone in the world, I hardly ever use it to ring anyone and no-one rings it, in fact the only use it gets is for Sports Direct to send me an email every day extolling me to buy something from their cheap stores – I have to put up with this until April ’12 when the contract that I signed for my youngest most feckless daughter will finally expire.

A watch, she is also insisting that we take at least one watch with us, again I rally against this idea for when “on holiday” I refuse to acknowledge the passage of time at all, time is immaterial when you have no appointments, nothing to do, no phone to make phone calls with, your time piece is the sun or the lack of the sun, if there is no sun in the sky it must be night time, that is the only nod in the direction of time keeping that I need on holiday, but she who must be obeyed is insisting on taking a watch with us, I shall probably take a very old one and then remove the battery, “oh look, its lunchtime, again”

The suitcases are down from the loft, already I have been warned that Friday is the cut-off date for washing clothing ready for departure and the weekend has already been designated as an official “Emergency Pants” period, that time when all of your decent and half decent clothing is in the wash or in the suitcase already and you are reduced to scratting around in the back of drawers looking for those underpants that you put aside years ago to use for dusters at some point in future, or emergency pants as the case may be.

Five days and counting…

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