This bag seems to be heavy…

£14 a kilo overweight they charge at the check-in desk.

Robbing buggers, especially as they don’t weigh people, skinny people should get a bigger baggage allowance than lard-arses, and if they are prepared to average out the weight of the passengers, effectively just guess how much 200 passengers will weigh, then its obvious that weight has nothing at all to do with whether or not the aircraft gets off the ground.


So we were careful when we packed our bags to go on holiday, she packed our bags, she made me weigh our bags every day for five days before we left for the airport, in fact the very last thing I did before wheeling the bags out of the house was to weigh them one last time, I reckoned we were absolutely spot-on our 20kg per person allowance.

And I was right, hers was 20kg exactly, mine was 19kg, big smiles all round.

Which is more than can be said for the family stood at the next check-in desk to us, they had loads of bags to check in, seemed to be going on holiday for several months and were astounded when they were told that they’d have to pay £120 extra for all their stuff to accompany them on the flight, absolutely astounded, as if they had no idea that you have to pay for your luggage at all, some people either lead very sheltered lives, don’t read the booking details, or are just stupid, I think they were just stupid.

So we spend two weeks in the sun on our far-away island and when it comes to the time to re-pack and come home again the wife starts to worry about the number of “presents” that she has bought and the fact that we were so close to the limit on our baggage allowance on the way out.

When I say “presents” I probably should be more specific, we didn’t bring “presents” back at all, what we brought back was two pairs of Ugg Boots for the girls who by sheer good fortune both take the same size in shoe wear and by even more good fortune and complete coincidence also take the same size in shoe wear as the wife – in effect she bought herself two pairs of Ugg Boots.

She had also bought a still-as-yet undetermined quantity of knock-off designer handbags, Louis Vuitton and Chanel bags galore, I know not how many she bought for she visited the knock-off handbag shop almost every day and she would not let me watch when she packed our suitcases to come home, all I got from her was that they were “presents” and so I expect to see her utilising the “presents” over the coming months for her own use.

And so I put the bags onto the scales at the airport.

“Have you packed these bags yourself sir?”
“Oh yes” I lied, for I had not been allowed anywhere near them when they were packed by herself.

Hers weighed 18kg
Mine weighed 23kg

I was not taking some stuff home, I’d thrown some stuff away, and yet my less stuff weighed more going home than it did coming.

“Why is my suitcase heavier going home and yours is lighter” I asked, stupidly, I already knew the answer.

Yes, all of the “presents” were in my bag.

No wonder I’d nearly pulled a groin injury dragging the bloody thing all the way from the bus.

And for the record – my “presents” amounted to one bottle of knock-off after shave, 4 euros worth, smells like cats piss now.


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