Old People and their Houses and their Terribly Bad Interior Decor

OK, so back to old people and their awfully bad taste houses.

So there I was browsing the state agent details for bungalows in this area, not that we are thinking of moving house, oh no, well, not yet anyway, but because our pension provision is now worth only a balloon and a goldfish from the rag and bone man there has to be a Plan B other than work until I stop living, probably literally, they’ll find me at my desk aged 95 with the phone in one hand and a customer online saying “Hello, hello, are you still there, I think he’s dead…”

So Plan B goes something like this : evict the kids during the next ten years, sell this house, and buy a bungalow without the need for a mortgage – then live on the meagre stipend that Aviva (I always thought they were a bus company, maybe thats why their investments are shit) have cobbled together for us, assuming that they haven’t lost the fookin lot within the next ten years – thats a possibility too the way they seem to be throwing my money into a landfill site, shrugging their shoulders and walking away at the moment.


There are lots of bungalows around these parts, this suburb of Leeds was built in the 1960s when bungalows were the next trendy thing and people like my dad bought one as a young and trendy thing with a young family – we lived in that two bedroomed bungalow for all our junior lives me and Ned did, shared a bedroom until I left home at 18, those young and trendy dads who all bought trendy bungalows in the 1960s believing that they were the next trendy thing are now in their 70s and still living in those formerly trendy bungalows and the neighbourhood has been transformed from being once young and trendy to now being old but as each resident dies then a formally trendy 1960s bungalow comes back to the market, and people like me who want to trade down start looking…

And what we are looking at are bungalows that haven’t changed one iota since 1963.

Why do old people never change their carpets ?

We, my generation, we are a slave to fashion and trendy-ness, I can’t tell you how many times we have remodelled our house, redecorated, new carpets/flooring, new furniture – even in the last year I can’t tell you how many times we have changed things around in our house, furniture thinks that its had a good run in our house if it sees one christmas out.

So why am I looking at estate agent pictures of old peoples bungalows with “loud” carpets on the floor that were last in fashion when Britain still had an empire and America still had a President called Kennedy ?

Do these old people not have sons and daughters who occasionally mention the fact that their eyes hurt really badly every time they walk into their parents bungalow simply because the carpet contains colour combinations that are now illegal ?

And lighting, why does every old persons living room contain more wattage than an X Factor stage set and why do they hang on desperately to the age old solution of lighting needs, the flourescent tube – open plan offices are the place for long lines of six foot flourescent tubes, not your living room.

Dralon settees that sag in the middle, brown dralon at that, dralon is a fabric that went out of fashion at around the same time as the Vietnam War ended, you need to take advantage of one of those ever-lasting settee warehouse sales old folk, go on, spoil yourself, buy a couple of Shackletons chairs for gods sake.

Seriously, do as I did, browse your local estate agents web site for bungalows or at a pinch for those 1960s houses that have a frontage with half brick and half pebble dash, young trendy things flocked for those in the 1960s, filled them with young trendy furniture and now own a homage to bad taste – take a look, you’ll fill a full evening and not even miss the soaps at all I promise you.

PS – Cars.

You can always tell when “Driving Miss Daisy” in front of you retired – take a look at the year on their registration plate, all old folks buy a new car when they retire and tell their spouses “Well this will have to last now”, and they do for keeping a car in first gear is a guaranteed way to never wear anything out.


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