Here’s Santa !

“So what would you like for Christmas little boy, some live ammunition and a method of delivering it perhaps ?”

Police were today warning parents to be on their guard against bogus Santa’s operating in supermarket car parks, motorway service stations or just wandering up and down your local High Street, capturing the attention of small girls and boys and then offering them live ammunition and delivery systems on the pretext of christmas presents.

Monday afternoon saw a small boy in Dewsbury offered a British made Starstreak HVM (High Velocity Missile) and its weapon aiming system with a promise that if he was a good boy then Santa may throw in a Harrier jet fully laden with 30mm cannon and a variety of Sidewinder missiles and cluster bombs, police are now seeking a large rotund gentlemen with white hair and prestigious beard dressed in prominently red clothing with white fur trim, he was also wearing black fur trimmed boots, a large wide leather belt and may have had a large mammal with him, possibly with a red nose, possibly a deer of some description, it is not known if the deer knew about the armaments.

At a press conference this afternoon Police warned parents to be vigilant and to check unsolicited, wrapped Christmas presents handed out willy-nilly in the street particularly if they are long and tubular in shape, or Harrier jet shaped and too big to get on the bus, if you should come across such a thing in your shopping bag then call 999 immediately, extinguish all cigarettes and do not under any circumstances kick the present or press any buttons, especially illuminated ones that read “Fire”.

Police stressed that the Santa in question was not believed to be related in any way or connected in any commercial sense to Santa Of The North Pole who is also believed to be currently operating in High Streets and supermarkets, Santa Of The North Pole was unavailable for comment this afternoon.

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