I disco danced once.
The thought returns at frequent intervals to haunt my sleeping hours and yet those nightmare awakenings sitting bolt upright in the 3am darkness, babbling and shouting obscenities incoherently can never actually match the reality of …
The married couples first dance.
The Churchill Hotel, September 17th 1983, 7pm, the lights dim, the ever-so-cheesy Disc Jockey announces the newly wed bride and groom onto the empty dance floor as a hundred or so guests gather around to snigger and praise the lord that its not them who have to do “The First Dance”.
The needle hits the record with a rumble and the opening bars of “Love Is In The Air” by John Paul Young ring out across the room, the groom’s heart sinks in dismay, not only does he have to dance in front of his sniggering family, its to a song that he hates.
I hated it then, I hate it now, I hate every note, every disco beat, every key change, I hate the smarmy singers smarmy little voice, I hate the fact that this was a one hit wonder for him, it riles me still to think that the only reason that this one song of his was a hit was so that I’d have to disco to it on my wedding day.
I had to do the whole disco thing, under a sparkly disco ball, on an empty dance floor, the “walking on the spot” disco shuffle, the occasional step to one side and then back again, the pointy toe to the side thing, the elbows tucked in, the forearms swaying from side to side keeping no tempo at all, and the clicking fingers, oh the clicking fingers.
I tried to look cool, I did my best, I tried to be a disco dancer on that one occasion in my life but the hysterical laughter bouncing back at me from the edge of the dance floor told me that I was failing miserably to convince these people that I had even a single ounce of rhythm in my bones, I begged the DJ to stop the record and play games with balloons instead of having a “The First Dance” slot, but he was laughing harder than the crowd, I hated him and his stupid disco records and vowed to take revenge, I still have his smarmy face imprinted in memory file and one day vengeance will be mine, oh yes.