Our posh Auntie Doris.

I’m the first to admit, so I’ll admit this first – I’m not very big on this religion stuff.

But my posh Auntie Doris is in for one hell of a shock today.

Or maybe she’s already had the shock, I don’t know, what happens when a person dies, do they go to heaven straight away or do they hang around for a bit longer until they’ve been cremated and then go to heaven ?

We should be told these things, details, thats what we want, the details.

Dennis the Tourette’s engineer that I once employed, he belonged to a weird religious sect who believed that when you died you went off on a trip around the world for one year and one day, and then you went to heaven, its like a bit of a bonus I suppose, someone once sold me an endowment policy for a mortgage and told me that when it paid out I’d have enough left over for a world cruise, I think Tourette’s Dennis’s religion worked a bit the same way, well I just hope it works out better for him than my endowment policy did for when it matured there wasn’t enough to pay the mortgage  let alone a trip around the world, I wouldn’t even have got as far as Leeds on the bus from the proceeds of that policy.

Anyway, about four weeks ago my posh Auntie Doris died in the loony bin nursing home from whence she’d been living these past four or so years, she’d had a good innings, she was incredibly old but incredibly bereft of her marbles by the time she died, and today its her funeral, four weeks ago she curled up her toes, what do they do with them all these days, stack them in a warehouse until the crematorium is ready ?

I’m going to the funeral of course if only for the fact that our Ned is going too and I want to keep an eye on him, not that I think he’ll get all upset or anything, no, I want to keep an eye on him to make sure he isn’t first out of the chapel and in his car off to her house to see what she’s left for him, for one thing is for certain, if she leaves any of us anything, he’ll get the good stuff, the silver collection perhaps, and I’ll end up with her slippers and the TV Choice magazine she was reading the night before she shuffled off into the mist.

You see when she was admitted to the funny farm nursing home those several years ago as a dementia patient it was our Ned that went to visit her and me that didn’t and it was him who kept on visiting her long after she didn’t recognise him any more and me who kept saying “Whats the point ?” and I have a sneaky suspicion that she wasn’t quite as barmy demented as she was letting on, I have this sneaky suspicion that she knew all along that I couldn’t be arsed was disposed otherwise and couldn’t visit her not even once in four years and I think she might just have crossed my name off the will.

I’ll be lucky to get her slippers actually.

But the whole point is this – almost exactly a year ago her husband, our uncle, died which was a bit unexpected but he did it anyway – and our posh Auntie Doris was never told, mainly because she didn’t even know who she was, let alone her husband of sixty or so years, so if all of this religion stuff is for real (and to be frank I’m hedging my bets), then she is in for one hell of a shock when she arrives in heaven this afternoon to find her husband sitting there reading the paper waiting for her.

Thats assuming that the barmyness goes as soon as you get to heaven of course, otherwise she’ll just walk straight past him.


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