Sunday Larf – Eddie Izzard on James Bond

In 1967 my father took me and my brother to the cinema to watch the new Bond film “You Only Live Twice”, I would have been ten years old at the time.

I left the cinema that day with an overwhelming impression that this particular James Bond franchise was by far the worst film I had ever seen in my life to date, by a long way, and I had seen “The Fantastic Voyage (1966)” at that time too.

To this day I still concur.

You see as a ten year old I had a huge problem with the whole SPECTRE thing, the idea that there could be a top secret organisation who seemingly employed thousands of people to man its secret headquarters hidden inside a volcano  that was so secret that a man called James Bond out flying his gyrocopter one day could accidentally find it by means of flying too close and being attacked by attack helicopters belonging to the top secret organisation – I couldn’t help but think that if the top secret volcano headquarters hadn’t been protected by attack helicopters that day then James Bond would have simply gyro-coptered past thinking “ooh look, a volcano, thats nice…”

And the thousands of employees who worked inside a volcano building rockets for no reason that was apparent to themselves, what did they tell the wives when they went home, for wives often ask awkward questions over tea …

“They haven’t sent luncheon vouchers  this month”
“Haven’t they ?”
“No, how do they expect you to eat in their canteen every day now ?”
“I expect its an oversight, I’ll ask Mr Blofeld when I next see him”
“Well its not right, you’ll have to pay now until they correct the error”
“Well yes, but its a subsidised canteen, sandwiches are only 25p, choice of ham or cheese, its quite nice really”
“So it bloody well should be, I mean, its not like theres any other choice is it, no shops around or anything”
“Well no dear, thats because its a secret location”
“Where is it anyway, you’ve never told me, you never tell me anything”
“I can’t tell you dear, its secret, thats why I can’t tell you, its a secret”
“But I’m your wife”
“Yes but I’d have to kill you if I told you where I work, its in the rules”
“It was never like this when you worked for Dunlop, they sent luncheon vouchers every month, on the dot”
“Yes but they weren’t a top secret organisation and they never had rules about having to kill you if I mentioned the place”
“Its not right, expecting you to kill your wife just for wanting to know where you work”
“Its in the rules my dear, this is a nice piece of ham”

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