Anyway, back to the garden and as I was saying, this garden that we currently have will grown anything, on demand, despite my best efforts to stop it by pruning, ignoring or just buying totally unsuitable plants.
When we first moved in the garden was completely empty, bereft of plant life and so my first target was the side garage wall, a totally blank and boring concrete wall which faces south, “Hmm” thought I, “something that will grow up the wall and have some flowers on would be nice”, I’ve watched all of the Charlie Dimmock programmes, as you can tell.
So I looked on the web site that provides hours of inspiration to gardeners, eBay, and I bought a Honeysuckle plant and something called a Black Sambuca which actually sounds like a made-up plant name, and when they both arrived I was a bit dismayed to notice that they were both just twigs with a few straggly roots on – no chance of these ever growing in the thin soil-an-stones down the side of the garage thought I.
How wrong I was, the Honeysuckle covered a third of the garage within its first year and now needs cutting back every three or four weeks during the summer or it would have taken over the whole street by now – the so-called Black Sambuca plant is likewise, it would be a huge tree by now if I didn’t get the saw out every month, its often higher than the garage when I chop it down again, but more worrying is the fact that its leaves look to me to be exactly like the pictures of the leaves of the cannabis plant – with the close proximity of the airport here I have to cover it with a blanket most days just in case the police helicopter passes by – we also have the most spaced out slugs of any garden too.
To cover the rest of the garage I bought two Clematis roots, completely dry roots from Poundstretcher, another hive of everything that the cheapskate gardener needs, these Clematis must have been in stock for a dozen years, they were on Clearance for 50p each and when I got them home I thought I’d been robbed because they were definitely ready for the bonfire, I planted them anyway and now the garage wall, the front of the garage, the overhead wire that connects the power from the house to the garage and most of the back door of the house is covered with white Clematis, this year we have had to rip some of it down before it starts to grab at small children passing by.
The eucalyptus tree was another eBay bargain, yes I bought a tree on eBay for £1.50, oh how we laughed when the postman had to deliver a tree to our house. It was six feet tall when we planted it and within its first year was around ten feet tall. In its second year I started to think that actually, I don’t want a tree to be quite so big and so it was viciously pruned, but just to spite me it grew back, so last year I sawed it right down to the ground and got rid of it completely – this year its grown new shoots from the stump and those shoots are now over six feet again and will suffer the wrath of my saw again this autumn.
Before you get the wrong idea and decide to pay a visit to this glorious vista of horticultural genius that must be our back garden I should warn you that the whole of the garden is Jacksons toilet and was Jakes toilet before him, this is not a garden for wandering in without watching very carefully where you are placing your feet – the plants in it seem to thrive on dog poo and I am seriously considering bagging it up and selling it at the garden gate, honestly, it works, honestly – if I could only get him to pee into a bottle as well then I could also sell the most efficient and powerful lawn killer known to mankind, maybe do a two for one deal, grow fantastic plants and get rid of your lawn at the same time ?