In no particular order, may contain profanity …
1. Seat allocation on trains
What is so hard about allocating seats on trains. No, I don’t mean those local trains that run every twenty minutes into your local town made up of two carriages that first saw service during the Kaisers last visit to the UK, they don’t have seats anyway do they ?
No, I mean the big trains, what used to be called the Inter-City ones, you know, that Jimmy Savile used to advertise them on telly, oh…
Well moving on, those inter-city trains that you have to book tickets for and that have lettered coaches and numbered seats and when you buy a ticket it also has a coach and a seat number on that corresponds to a coach and seat on the actual inter-city train that pulls slowly into your mainline station, its not too hard is it to match your ticket number up to one of those seats only to find that some other fooker thinks its his seat just because he got on two stations before you.
Its not too hard to understand you dumb bastard just go find your own fookin seat or admit that you don’t know how seat numbering works and I’ll go find a care assistant for you.
2. Queueing in Post Offices
I’ve just stood in a queue in a Post Office today where a bloke in front of me took fifteen minutes, I kid you not, fifteen minutes of my precious time, to decide how to post two fookin parcels THAT HE’D ALREADY STUCK STAMPS ON, and the daft bugger behind the counter was trying to help him decide -fook that missus, its his fault if he hasn’t put enough stamps on his bloody parcels, just throw them in the bag and maybe the Post Office will deliver them and maybe they won’t and maybe they will deliver them but charge his lovely old mother at the other end a £25 surcharge because she didn’t educate her fookwit son in Leeds well enough to know that YOU don’t decide how much postage to put on a parcel the fookin Post Office decide how much each parcel is going to cost to post, you thick pillock.
3. Printer ink cartridges
There must be a law out there somewhere that dictates EXACTLY how much ink a company selling ink cartridges HAS to put in a cartridge before it can call it an ink cartridge for retail purposes, there must be, I mean you wouldn’t let your local butcher get away with charging you two quid for a pork chop if he just wrapped up the bone in brown paper and put it in your shopping bag would you, you wouldn’t pay £5 for a Day Rider ticket on a bus only to find that the driver throws you off the next stop explaining that its only valid up until 9.30am on the day of purchase, would you ?
So why pay £20 for something that’s not even new, its refilled, and then let the ink cartridge shop convince you that its a refilled ink cartridge only to get it home, stick it in your printer, let the bloody printer run through its “test” cycle, waste three sheets of A4 paper printing “test” sheets, and then find that the bloody thing is empty again because the robbing bastards at the ink cartridge shop only put enough ink in it to test it on your printer.
4. MOT Tests
How many other things do you buy that come with a guarantee of future income for the people that sold it to you ? How many other things that you buy in a retail environment require that you bring it back next year and spend some more money on it, which government took billions in bribes to allow that state of affairs to exist, why have I just spent £350 getting my car through its MOT just twelve months after buying the bloody thing – there was nothing wrong with it when I took it in last week and it feels absolutely no different to me now, the only difference is that I have a piece of paper which says its legal until 29th September 2013 and my bank account is lighter by the cost of a half decent holiday to Majorca – how do I know that they replaced a coil spring in the suspension, it doesn’t feel any different and I’m bloody sure I’m not going to get down on my hands and knees to have a look, I didn’t even get scrap value on the old one.
5. The toilets in our office
We are in serviced office accommodation, that means that we rent one office in a large building and other people rent the other offices in the building and we all share the kitchen facilities and the toilets, and EVERY TIME I go to use the Gents toilet there is always somebody in one of the cubicles.
I mean, come on, men don’t use the toilet cubicles, they just don’t, I’ve never heard of it before, women do, but men don’t, it just doesn’t happen – apart from in our office block where every minute of every day, whatever time of day you go to the toilet there’s always someone in there – what are they doing in there, why are they always in the toilet at work and why, when I’m drying my hands does one of the toilets flush and that skinny kid with a 20 inch waist, a haircut like Will Young, and a mincing walk which flags up to all and sundry that he’s as camp as a row of pastel tents on a muscle-man beach, why is it always him in the toilets at work, why ?
6. Chocolate in this house
Why is there no chocolate in this house tonight ?
7. Taxi drivers
Why do all the taxi drivers in this city drive like you are not also driving on the same stretch of road as they are, why do they give you the impression that they can’t see your car, why do they think that queues to filter right at the lights do not apply to them and if they just go all the way down the empty lane for straight-on traffic they can suddenly swerve into your queue when a one inch gap appears near the front ?
Why when taxi drivers approach a Give Way sign do they just drive out into the right-of-way traffic anyway, safe in the knowledge that the right -of-way traffic will swerve to avoid them because no-one wants to get involved in a collision with a taxi driver and have to put up with years of litigation only to find that it wasn’t a taxi at all but someone who made a taxi sign out of a cornflake box and has been charging people for lifts into town for the last three years and who cares about insurance anyway ?
8. Slow walking people
Why, when you’re in a hurry, say you’ve parked the car in town to go to a bank and you only had one twenty pence and that just bought you four frikkin minutes on the parking meter, why when its a two minute walk to the bank and two minutes back, do you ALWAYS get stuck behind slow walkers who string themselves out across the pavement right in your way and won’t budge, why do they never at least leave a gap for you to walk around, and why do they suddenly stop for absolutely no reason at all and point to a mark on the pavement as if its the most interesting thing they’ve seen all day so that you just want to pick something up and hit them with it ?
9. Car parking
Why do councils and hospitals and shops and owners of waste ground get off on thinking that they can charge you to leave your car there for a short while, what do they do for their eight pounds per hour parking charges, nothing that’s what, they don’t valet your car for you while your queueing behind slow walking people and they sure as hell don’t do security patrols around their waste ground to look out for your car, in fact the only time you see anyone who even looks remotely like they are in charge of a car park is at the end of the day when they come to empty the ticket machine of their hard earned cash, cash that they earned for having waste land in town that people need to park on while they sit on their arses at home watching daytime TV.
Why do hospital charge for car parking, its not like you’re there through choice or anything and its our frikkin hospital anyway, we paid for it, its ours, we shouldn’t have to pay to use the bloody thing, its ours, if I want to be ill and partake of the facilities of my local hospital I don’t need to be told that it’ll cost me £8 an hour to park there, I own the bloody place, or at least a very small part of it. when I get round to paying that tax bill I will anyway.
10. Ten things
Why did I choose ten things, there aren’t ten things, there were only ever nine things…