Reset Factory Settings

Recently I was conned persuaded by my youngest daughter to swap mobile phones with her, hers was the big screen Galaxy S2, mine was its smaller version the Galaxy Ace, I should have stopped and asked myself why it would be that she would want to swap the clearly superior S2 for my Ace, but I didn’t, I’m a trusting sort you see especially when it comes to my offspring, especially when it comes to the youngest offspring.

So we swapped, and then I realised that her, or rather now, my phone was rammed full of crappy game apps and apps that no-one seemed to know what they did and I spent ages deleting various ones until the scrolling screens of apps were down to just the four screens of apps and I used it for about a month.

Then last weekend Smithy called me on our landline phone and asked what was wrong with my mobile, I rang it and it just cut out, the phone couldn’t accept incoming calls. i rang Virgin mobile and the nice lady spent one whole hour trying all sorts of things to get my new old pheon working until she finally asked “Is this the handset that we supplied ?” and I had to admit that no it wasn’t but I just wanted them to test their SIM – their SIM was ok as we found when I put it back into my Galaxy Ace, maybe I should have done that before wasting an hour of the nice lady at Virgin’s time.

There was nothing to lose, having checked all the t’interwebby forums I deduced that a “Factory Reset” was called for, a rather drastic sounding routine that basically wipes everything off the phone and fingers crossed, takes you right back to where you started when you first took the phone out of its box in the shop.

And it worked.

I now have a nice clean new old phone and its rid of all the shite that the daughter had downloaded, one of which was blocking my incoming calls, what a right bastard.

Humans should have a “Return To Factory Defaults” button, a button hidden in the back of your head that a doctor or an asian guy with one of those hand cart stalls in a shopping mall could reset for you, press the button and enter the reset code and your brain wipes itself of all extraneous data and returns you to your original birth state.

Of course you wouldn’t be able to walk or talk yet so there would have to be safeguards so that you could get home ok, I mean you wouldn’t expect a new born baby to drive itself home from the shopping mall would you, but still, think how refreshed your brain would be from not having been cluttered up with 56 years of rubbish anymore, I mean for one thing, this blog would have NO memories in it whatsoever.

Andrew Purdy had a “Return To Factory Defaults” button.

We found his “Return To Factory Defaults” button one day during a game of “Bulldogs”, that quaint British past time loved by males of all ages where the rules are sparse and seem to consist of the mere fact that physical violence of any sort is permitted and absolutely encouraged while the rest of the point of the game is lost to history, if ever known at all – Purdy took a blow to the back of the head during a fifty-boy scrum and when the bodies had been cleared from the ground he was left sitting there with a confused look on his face.

For all of two minutes he didn’t know who he was or what he was doing there, or more importantly who we were, his best friends, the ones who had known him since very early childhood, the ones who had all grown up with him, he recognised none of us, we, the ones who had found his “Reset To Factory Defaults” button.

His memory returned in a short space of time and he explained how he had been so confused that he didn’t even know his own name and when we shouted “Come on Purdy stop arsing about” he thought we were shouting at someone else.

This was too good a weakness to ignore.

From then on we exploited his “Return To Factory Defaults” button on the back of his head whenever we got bored, we’d be wandering down a street in the neighbourhood kicking things in the gutter when someone would whisper “Shall we reset Purdy to his Factory Defaults?” and a nod of our collective heads and a blow to the back of his head would result in hilarity all round as he spent the next five or ten minutes in Narnia or wherever it was that he went while his brain reformatted his hard drive – during these periods we’d have to hold onto him to stop him walking into strangers houses, or stepping into the path of oncoming buses, or just running away from us as he thought we were a gang out to cause him some harm, I mean, us, are you kidding, cause him harm, surely not ?

The pinnacle of resetting Purdy’s head came some years later when we were all strapping 17 year olds, young colts on a day trip to the coast we spent most of the lunchtime in a pub supping enough ale to make us giddy and want to trip each other up as we walked down the street, give your mate a dead leg, push them over the railings on the seafront, that sort of laddish behaviour you get at the seaside with 17 year olds on a day trip – it wasn’t long before all dozen of us were fighting each other on the beach, those laddish fights that start out as tripping someone up and end with all of you piling in for a ruck and usually someone catches a spare boot to the bollax and the rest of you all collapse in hilarity as he pukes up all of his lunchtime beer in agony.

Yes you’ve guessed it, during the skirmish Purdy got his brain Reset To Factory Defaults somewhere under the pile of bodies and when the dust settled he sat on the beach uncomprehending, and a little bit afraid.

So afraid was he that he ran away from us and despite us running after him he wasn’t having any of it, he ran into a sweet shop and told the owner that we were a gang chasing after him and could he call the police, which he did while we all stood outside trying to explain that this sort of thing always happened to Purdy  and we were his friends really, even though we’d just reset his brain to factory defaults by means of a well aimed punch.

The police weren’t very happy either and they called an ambulance but they must have believed us as they let Charlie Smith go in the ambulance with Purdy to the hospital and then wait there with him while Purdy’s father drove all the way from Leeds to collect him, by which time Purdy’s brain had finally rebooted itself and he wondered why he wasn’t coming home on the bus with the rest of us and why his dad had turned up in Scarborough for him.

We didn’t reset him to factory defaults after that, in fact he found some more gentle creatures to be his best friends and we didn’t see him again.

I still think that a Reset To Factory Defaults button would be a good idea though.

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