Video Saturday – Saturday September 17th 1983

And so the day finally dawned, the day of our betrothal, I can’t remember ever agreeing to do it but you don’t just sleepwalk into organising a huge and lavish wedding in one of the UK’s most popular, ostentatious, jet-set resorts, ever, yes I speak of Whitley Bay, what do you mean you’ve never heard of it, well thats because you’re not in the jet set thats why.

Well, when I say “huge and lavish” I mean that more than ten people were invited, I only really knew about ten of the people who came but the rest of Seaton Delaval seemed to turn up, most of them with invites, so that passes for “huge and lavish” in that district, and when I say “ostentatious” I mean that we had the reception at The Ambassador Hotel and didn’t even go for the cheapest ham tea for everyone, oh no, we had a chicken dinner and it cost my new father-in-law nearly £8 a head it did – AND we had a gold Rolls Royce as the wedding car.

Just for an hour you understand, any longer would have been showing off.

Now I always believed that the music of the 1980s was truly dire and have always been hard pushed to recommend one single tune from that decade that younger folk should place into their record collection, or whatever they call their record collections these days, probably “My MP3 Collection” just doesn’t sound right does it, anyway as you can see from this little collection of pop musical hits from the record charts of 1983 it wasn’t all that bad really, I mean Sting won an Ivor Novello award for “Every Breath You Take” and the film “Flashdance” is still an ace film to watch all these years later even though the back story is a little ridiculous, I mean, a woman welder, who thought THAT one up eh ?

All of these tunes were quite suitable “wedding dance” classics and indeed are still played at weddings and family gatherings these thirty years later but of course there is a time at every wedding that most grooms dread and most brides seem to savour, “The First Dance”.

There comes a time during every wedding reception when the DJ halts the “mingle” music that he has been playing discreetly in the background while people arrive at the venue and “mingle”, helping themselves to the free beer and vol-au-vents and murmuring quietly to each other “Well I for one never thought she’d go through with it” or “I’ll give it six months”, and he announces to the mingling throng that “Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce the bride and groom for the first dance” and to huge applause and cheers the newly weds take to the floor and dance to a jaunty tune as if they were Fred and Ginger themselves.

Except that its not really like that for most blokes will only dance to a disco tune when four parts pissed and there hasn’t been enough time yet, maybe if they did the first dance at 11pm they might stand a chance but not at 7 in the evening, its just never going to work and it certainly was never going to work with me, the one who never dances, in fact “The First Dance” was my first and only dance, ever, and I mean for the whole of my life so far, I live by the mantra “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t dance, I’m going to live forever”.

So what did the DJ pick for our “First Dance” music ?

Who booked the DJ anyway, all these years later I need to know this for his choice of “The First Dance” music was, frankly, awful, awful because it’s not a good tune anyway, awful because the bloke who sings it is such a dork, and awful because I had to stand in the middle of a dance floor while hundreds of people stared at me and try to “dance” to this truly dreadful tune, when actually I would have chosen to be anywhere else in the world at that precise moment, if a time machine is ever invented then I’m going straight back to 7pm on September 17th 1983 and I’m going to erase the part of the script that says “First dance at his wedding” and replace it with something like “Sentenced to 30 years in a Siberian salt mine” instead.

Dreadful isn’t it ?

On the upside, my wife has never asked me to dance with her again these past 31 years.

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