Weird dreams – episode one

Lewis Hamilton and myself race a Grand Prix

From time to time I can have some very weird dreams with or without cheese for supper or any other artificial dream enhancement, notably the weirdest of dreams are fully recollected the next morning and the recollections are usually accompanied by amusement as they can be very weird indeed.

Example number one is a dream from Sunday night involving the world of Formula One and specifically involving Lewis Hamilton and myself and it all seemed totally rational during the dream event.

The story revolved around the fact that I seemed to have won, or paid for through sponsorship, the opportunity to accompany Lewis Hamilton in his Mercedes F1 car – during an actual Formula One race.

Everyone seemed to be happy with this, I turned up at the un-named track and they were all expecting me, no-one seemed concerned that the F1 car is usually manufactured to fit each driver like a glove and Lewis showed me a very narrow space to his left hand side that I could sit in while he drove the car, he did warn me not to touch anything during the race but other than that was very cool about the whole thing.

It was a tight fit inside the car and I am no advert for Slimcea Bread myself but with Lewis strapped into his seat with his helmet on I was invited to squeeze in by his side and found that there was indeed enough room, it wasn’t very comfortable and my left hand arm was outside the cockpit and my right arm across the roll bar but we managed and the next minute we were at the front of the grid ready to start the race – I didn’t have a helmet on like the other drivers and none of the other drivers seemed to have passengers but apart from that everyone took it as a perfectly normal event.

We won the race and everyone in the Mercedes team was delighted, slapping me on the back and asking if I’d enjoyed myself and then later in the evening the team manager came over and asked if I’d like to take part in next weeks Grand Prix too as they had another idea for carrying passengers, I of course agreed.

The following Sunday I turned up at the next F1 circuit which I thought was in the UK and everyone in the pits greeted me like an old friend and told me that I was going to love the race today as they had changed the spec of the car in order to fit me in a bit better than last week but for the time being I was invited to go and enjoy the hospitality tent while they got the car ready.

I had a great time in hospitality, they had laid on some lovely sandwiches and orange juice to drink and I feasted royally, spoke to lots of people, I remember someone showed me their VIP pass and so I showed them my Drivers pass, someone said “You’re the guy who is Lewis Hamiltons passenger ?” and I confirmed, they were really impressed and a crowd gathered around and they all wanted their photos taken with me.

After some time an important person came up and told me they were ready for me to get in the car but on the way to the grid I spotted a toilet and nipped inside, after all one doesn’t want to be carrying all that orange juice inside one during a two hour race does one ?

Inside the toilet it was quite full of men taking a leak before the race but there didn’t seem to be any urinals just rows and rows of stainless steel sinks, everyone was just standing at a sink and pissing on the floor so I did the same, it seemed a bit strange, in fact it was the strangest thing so far in this dream, everything had been so normal up until now.

A siren sounded off as I stepped outside the toilet and a panic stricken team manager grabbed me by the arm and told me I should be in the car by now and that they were just about to start the race, he dragged me onto the track across the front of the grid where everyone was looking upwards at the start lights which by now were starting to come on one at a time, “Get in quick !” they shouted and one of the Mercedes grid girls who had stayed behind on the grid leaned forward to open a door to my newly adopted car.

It was only then that I realised what they’d done to accommodate me, since the last F1 race the team had sourced an old bubble car and had welded it to the front of Lewis Hamiltons normal F1 car, it looked superb and they’d given it a lovely silver paint job and put that reflective film over the bubble car glass which the grid girl was now holding open for me – inside there sat Lewis Hamilton who was frantically gesturing for me to sit beside him in the two seater bubble car – someone thrust a helmet into my hands and I jumped in the car and fastened my seat belt just as the last red light came on.

Then I woke up, how bloody annoying.

So if the F1 authorities ever authorise the use of old bubble car cockpits welded to the front of F1 cars so that passengers can be carried – you heard it here first.

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