So how are you going to cope with time limited pub opening hours ?
The concept of a pub, every pub, closing at 10pm has filled many with horror, mainly it has to be said, those in the younger age profile who have never known such a thing, for those who are used to “going out” at 10pm and drinking in bars until the next morning the idea of those bars not being open at the time that they would normally be stepping from their taxis ready to start the night is just one of the most awful impositions they have ever heard.
Fear not, for your old dad/grandad has been through all this before and as usual knows what to do.
In preparing this guide to those unable to cope with 10pm closing I have taken advice from my good friend Steve who is the world acknowledged Grand Master in timing his drinking to a finite time.
The first tip is “Go out earlier”, an obvious thing to say but really, it works, as a young man your old dad/grandad was well used to getting the bus to the pub at 6pm, yes thats right, 6pm, thats the time at which you young people will normally be crawling out of your pits from the night before so buck your ideas up, get out of bed in the early afternoon and start getting ready for a night out at lunchtime.
As an addendum to the first tip your old dad/grandad used to take all of two minutes to get ready for a night out, a simple comb through the hair, a slap of brylcreem and a shoosh of aerosol under each armpit was all that sufficed, its really not necessary to spend three hours in front of a mirror you know.
The second tip is timing, at least one in your crowd or “bubble” as you young people like to call it now, should be wearing a wristwatch and should be aware enough to keep an eye on the time, aware enough to alert you all at 9pm that now is the time to concentrate on your drinking, no more gadding around, no flim-flam or gossip, the last hour is crucial, more drunks are created in this last hour than at any other time and you must shape up, in athletics terms this is the 5000 metre runners getting the bell on the last lap – concentrate now.
In the last hour the serious drinkers enter into what is known as “one at the bar” which is a procedure by which the serious drinkers start to volunteer to go to the bar to get the next round and while standing waiting for the drinks to be poured they will drink an extra pint of their own and by which their consumption will double in the last hour, its ingenious.
At 9.45pm precisely someone in your group needs to start chivvying the other along, now is not the time for fading out, now is the time to drink up and use what is known as the “doubling up” technique, that is the next round will be two drinks for each person, you’ll find that the serious drinker in your group will volunteer to fetch this round too (it’ll be a big round) and in doing so he’ll “double up” while waiting at the bar too, drinking two of his private pints before wobbling back laden with trays of your drinks.
“One for the road” is called at the instant that the Last Orders bell is rung and usually consists of a spirit drink or as you young people like to call them, “shots”, there is a true skill to this procedure and with practice you can often get two rounds of spirits into the “drinking up time” before the bar staff start turning stools upside down on the table.
Finally its time to pick up your group serious drinker off the floor and carry him out to the bus stop, prop him up in the bus shelter with his bus fare in his hand and ask someone in the queue to make sure he gets on the number 33, be kind to him, he’s drunk twice the volume of alcohol that you have due to “doubling up”.
And then its fish and chips and the late bus home…
Jerrychicken - The Diary 